Love Remains

Do you have that amazing dress or favorite shirt in the back of your closet, that you never wear? You know the one, you pull it out every now and then, maybe try it on, and then put it back.  Do you have a person in your heart that you do the same thing with? I do.  He has been hanging out in the closet of my heart for the better part of forty years.  For a long time, I forgot he was there, like that amazing dress!

Recently, I had what I would classify as a profound healing and learning experience. The story is interwoven with that “dress” and love, loss, love rediscovered (maybe), a dash of drama and yes, loss again! If I get stuck in the story, I remain the one not chosen, the one hurt AGAIN and the one who doesn’t understand.  This is total VICTIM mentality. I am choosing to let that shit go! It’s time to give that dress away.

The simple story without revealing the characters except, me as the leading lady is this…Over the course of the past several months I’ve had two experiences of this guy from my past coming to my mind with unrelenting thoughts that something is wrong.  Both times, I was correct. With the reconnection, conversation and text communication the feelings of love hit me like a tsunami. I was drawn by the memories, into the stories, the drama and the projections. It was a very sticky wicket that left me hurt again!

The most recent connection confirmed my spidey sense of intuition was working.  I texted him to ask if he was ok in this crazy time.  I had slammed the door weeks earlier, tried of the hamster wheel and my victim mentality sending me into one tailspin after another. You see, I really thought I had figured out my mistakes of my past and was getting that chance…do you know what I mean?  He replied the next day with, “I’m sick! It’s really bad! I can’t breathe! I have it!” This brought up tremendous fear for his health and life with possibilities of being infected with COVID-19. The next communication said, he was admitted to the hospital. Then radio silence. Crickets! Now, my rational mind said, “he’s sick, really sick…he may not be able to call or text.” Still, no communication…my fear and drama projected to outrageous scales…I really believed he would die.

Not hearing from him, I penned this in a rapid text and sent it to him:

You Know…

I’ve talked myself out of loving you a thousand times…

And, Love remains…

There have been times I haven’t liked you and even hated you…

And, still Love remains…

You are, and remain Love, in my heart…

And, Love remains

Always.

No reply to this expression of Love. Nothing…Again, I justify it with, he’s sick!

I shared this with one friend, and she asked, “Is this about you?” I replied, “It could be.”  Another, friend asked me if I channel, you know, write message from the Divine or Spirit.  Again, my reply was, “It could be.” What is this? Someone or some message was trying to get through to me.  I start to read the poem over several times, thinking of it as a message to myself.  It fits.  There are countless times, I’ve haven’t liked myself and even hated myself. What about my parents? Yup, it fits there too! Siblings? An absolute, YES! I can run through many people in my life that I could share these words with, and it resonates deeply into the fibers of my being.  There is so much more to Love remaining…

Well, the drama continues! He is out of the hospital, no virus. That’s good news!  What I noticed happening was the familiar two-step in our conversation. What I really hear is his victim calling mine to come and play, engage and even dance. I think, I can’t say anything that will help because he won’t hear me.  Sigh…so I come back to my poem and connect it to a powerful piece by Derek Walcott, “Love After Love.” Here is what is resounding in my heart, “The time will come when, with elation, you greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other’s welcome and say, sit here, eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self.” Thanks Derek!

I am grateful for Love in my life. What I am realizing is that the drama, the story, the relationship can be finished, and the Love remains.  My son said kindly, “Ma, you have to let this shit go!” Yes, I do. What I am learning is that I suffer, because I closed the door on Love when relationships or marriages ended or judged them as failed. This isn’t just about romantic love; it’s Love in any form.  I think back to the list I ran as I re-read my poem, of all the relationships that it could apply to, of all the Love I thought I never really had, or that was “gone” because of loss or death.  I threw the Love out with the relationships that end, like the baby and the bathwater expression.  And, what about all the self-love? What can I say about the Love I hold for me? I was missing an enormous universal truth about LOVE.

Love is energy.  Basic physics tells us that energy cannot be create or destroyed.  It can only change state or form.  It is a single tense, ENERGY. It’s not energies…I feel this is LOVE.  It is that Deva status of expression.  That status of one name and one name only, LOVE.  It is mystical and it Remains…no matter what.  Keep the Love and let go of the story, the drama, the victim mentality, the self-inflicted suffering. And as Mary Oliver states in the last line of The Journey, (Be) “determined to do the only thing you could do—determined to save the only life you could save.” Let Love be, simply be.

So here I sit, wishing my friend healing and sending Love that remains AND I keep the Love for my own heart too. This has sincerely gifted me freedom! I LOVE it!

Blessing and Peace,

Blue Jean Oracle